That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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