Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
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I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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