Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
