moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
