I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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