the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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