watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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