Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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