whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
