If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
