woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
