I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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