Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
