i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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