Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
