Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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