He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
