The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
