Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
