just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Did I show you my penis last night?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
