My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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