one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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