I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
