i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
