Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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