Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
