I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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