you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
