he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
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I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
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I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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