does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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