If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Your penis caused this!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
