Do you still have your period?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
