Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
