so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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