last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
