Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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