She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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