I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I deserve to be covered in dicks
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
