I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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