I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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