This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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