he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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