I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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