drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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