You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
