I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
worst night to have a conscience
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
