You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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