is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
