I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
