how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
