I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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