so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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