Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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