Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
