Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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