SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
