yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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