can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You ruined the universe
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
